When I said yes to this show I was excited, fresh, ready to create. Over the coming weeks I saw myself hit hard with a delayed fatigue reaction of the constant flight & fight response of 2020.
It hit me hard with a flare up, then a flu, then a mental health sprial. I would put me in days of all I would do is paint, find my space and you couldn't pull me away from it. When I paint I it unlocks a lot of supressed thoughts and often shakes loose personal epiphanies like a good counselling session. I then find myself needing to talk it out. The process can be exhausting emotionally, and after all that this last year had thrown at us all this process was hard.
My biggest moment of realisation is the fact that I over did it, (obvious to some I know) but for me keeping busy gave me comfort at the time. I was fortunate that we live in a space were the pandemic left most of us untouched health wise but there were other side effects to it all.
I am a planner, I used to have 12 months planned out and I knew where I needed to be, what my family expectations were, what I needed to do for my business. Often finding myself in a project manager role where others would look to me for answers the uncertainity of the year really fell hard on my shoulders. I can't put that on others, that falls to my own afflication of perfectionism.
Moving from a place of certainity and control to once of play it by ear one month at a time has taught me skills and left me often exhausted from constantly needing to adapt within days.
Bringing this show together, finding that deep space of subconscious creating, where I need to be for these works, has left me with a new space of self awareness and exhaustion. I am not ready to tackle the questions the process raised, I have no answers. But I need to continue to make. 2021 maybe a year of journalling...maybe I am not sure.
ORBS will be on display at the Brisbane Library (George Square) from Jan 4th.
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Observations as an artist